Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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