Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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