so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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