I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I woke up under a house in Key West
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
