There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
