this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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