did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
