just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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