someone owes me an orgasm
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
