I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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