3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
