i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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