I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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