Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's never too late to be topless.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
