Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
