Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
