I cannot find my penis.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
