when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
