i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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