He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
