I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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