Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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