No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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