no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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