you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
