Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
