don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
