Michael Bay diarrhea
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.