please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?