So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
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tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!