just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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