I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize