the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
