thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
