The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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