Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
