just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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