Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
