what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
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Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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