I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
