It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
