Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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