Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Fuck appropriateness.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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