So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
