You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
