Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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