just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
