I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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