Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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