This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
