I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
