your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
