Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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