I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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