I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am one with the molecules
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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