Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
