So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this just has baby written all over it
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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