I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
