dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
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